The List of 2006

Welcome to the list

1. I am the lowest paid person in my building
2. I royally screwed up a teaching assistant job at the university for a professor whom once regarded me as her most talented student
3. As a manager, I am a failure
4. As a motivator, I am a failure
5. As a leader, I am a failure
6. I have no people skills but I work at a job that requires me to interact with employees and customers at every moment
7. I ruined christmas for at least 10 people on my staff
8. I wasn't hired for the job I was doing for 8 months
9. I openly accept work that I have no idea how to do
10. I was deemed unfit to keep my staff (see 3-9)
12. I can't count
13. I am a 165 lb man trapped in a 195 lb body
14. I'm going to be unemployed in 4 months
15. All my friends have bright futures... I pissed all over my future
16. I am a self destructive, ego centric maniac... and its unjustified b/c i can't explain what i've got to be egotistical about.
17. My grandma got sick a week before i wrote the LSAT, no in my family one told me... that way they could keep me studying for a test that i knew i would fail
18. I didn't spend enough time with my grandmother while she was dying
19. My grandma died the day i wrote the LSAT
20. I spent a small fortune studying for the LSAt
21. Today, on Feb. 25, 2006... I FAILED THE LSAT
22. In the next few months, I expect 7 rejection letters from 7 law schools
23. At 23, I am a failure

...time for a comeback

One day at a time...

It’s 5:11 am, Feb. 19, 2006.

I miss my grandmother…

I can’t sleep. I lie in bed. Awake. Alone with my grief.

I miss my grandmother.

I’ve broken down twice in the last two nights… completely overcome with grief. It’s an emotional ambush. You can’t see it coming, and you don’t know what’s going to set you off. It overwhelms me—a complete and sudden surge of sadness. It has been a dark week… a dark month. I’ve been lucky that I’ve been alone when it happens. I don’t like people seeing me like this… I’m an antisocial mourner. I want to be alone with my grief.

The house feels empty. The house felt empty when it was over run by family and friends planning my grandmother’s funeral. I still want to turn the tv to the Chinese channel before I turn it off. It was the only channel she watched, that way she’d only have to turn on the TV to get to it.

I’m physically fine but I know something is not right with me. I don’t feel right. I can act normal… for the most part. A part of me is dying and I’m watching it die.

I want to experience every moment of my sadness, like it’s a measure of how much I cared for my grandmother. I want to feel it at the height of its intensity. I don’t want to dull it or dilute it. I want to consumed by it.

Everything feels false. Nothing feels right anymore… except heather. I’m okay, when I’m with Heather. I can sleep when I’m with Heather. Grandma, always liked Heather. She loved that she was tall, but not taller than me.

5:57am, still can’t sleep.

I haven’t talked much about the week leading to my grandmother’s death or any of the circumstances that lead to it. I mentioned bits and pieces of it to Mike. I know I probably should tell my friends, its not good to repress these things. I just rather not have to repeat the story a dozen times to a dozen different people. Retelling it is like reliving it. I will blog it when I’m ready but it won’t be today.

I’m a tired and emotionally drained.

I miss my grandma.

Dark days ahead

My grandmother, who I loved dearly, died today...

everything looks dimmer.